


Off Screen, In Earnest

by OceanofNoise



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Fear of Discovery, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Pittsburgh Penguins, Porn Watching, Secret Past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 13:34:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6053428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OceanofNoise/pseuds/OceanofNoise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sidney knows the world doesn't work like a gay porno. Which is why he's shocked to watch one and discover that the hapless twink getting fucked is, in fact, his own teammate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Off Screen, In Earnest

**Author's Note:**

> I'd say that I have no idea where this fic came from, but I do. It came from Conor's stupid glasses and Conor's stupid dimples and the way Conor's stupid hair seems to stick up on its own volition. Stop being [so cute](https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/conor-sheary) dangit!

Sidney supposed that the package he'd gotten from Nate was meant to be a gag gift.

There was a note on top of a couple of items enveloped in bubble wrap. It read: _"Yeah, so I'd meant to get you an entire collection of gay pornos but then I actually found a legit Christmas gift. So here, enjoy what actually came (heh) as well as this BBC WWII History DVD set I found on Amazon and my mom's chocolate-filled peanut butter cookies. Merry Christmas! -Nate"_

He pulled out the cookies first (and helped himself to a few because it was the holidays after all), then weighty DVD box set and finally a bundled set of suspect looking DVDs. If it were anyone else but Nate Sidney would consider the prank borderline homophobic. But this was just how Nate was. Over the summer Nate'd bought him a box of rotisserie chickens shortly after the Gord Miller interview.

Sidney was thankful that the bubble-wrapped bundle of what was presumably pornographic films was relatively thin so it wasn't like Nate had wasted too much of his money. He set them aside, meaning to get to them later. And by "get to them later", he meant that he'd take off the bubble wrap and rage at Nate for his choices, not that he'd watch them or anything. (Probably not. Maybe.)

 _I got your package today_ , he texted Nate. _Thanks bro_.

He was flattening the cardboard shipping box and separating all the packaging for recycling when his phone chimed.

_Did you like everything I got you? ;)_

Then, _I tried to appeal to your interests. :D_

Then, _Just don't think about me when you're watching them..._

The appealing to his interests part piqued Sidney's curiosity. He looked again at the bubble-wrapped package sitting on his TV stand. He'd admit that Nate knew him pretty well. What sort of pornos would he have chosen for Sidney?

Gingerly he reached over and carefully unwrapped the pack of DVDs. One had a hockey theme, but hockey was honestly sexy enough without the addition of porn. Another one featured two men in military garb but the idea of two privates shirking their duties to have a quickie was patently unsexy. 

The last one, called "Lessons in Lust" appeared to be about a student getting a thorough fucking by an instructor or mentor of some sort. The young, bespectacled twink of a brunette on the cover only looked a few years younger than the so called professor.

(Okay, so maybe, _maybe_ he'd thought about Mario like that a little bit when he'd just come into the league. He was a gay eighteen-year-old kid in a new city living with hockey royalty, give him a break.)

He had the DVDs anyway. It wouldn't hurt to watch one. It would've been rude to Nate if he didn't use his, uh, thoughtful gift. He carefully tore off the cellophane and slid the DVD into the player (DVD players weren't prone to viruses like computers were, right? He didn't want to risk it).

Sidney wasn't all that well-versed in pornos but the one he was watching seemed to be pretty formulaic. The actor playing the naive college freshman was easy on the eyes but didn't seem as though he could act his way out of a paper bag. He looked downright uncomfortable as he stiffly delivered dialogue for what constituted as "plot". The other (a much more physically imposing blond beefcake) behaved exactly like a typical porn veteran, starkly contrasting the student he looked five seconds away from fucking.

The young twink with the floppy brown hair and sweet little dimples was definitely someone Sidney could identify with. It wasn't so much the awkwardness or the soft, needy moans as he was getting fucked into. Sidney just felt like "Justin" was the kind of guy he'd meet at the library or at the coffee shop. Someone who liked to read, had an interest in history and just so happened to do porn on the side. In fact, he felt as though he may have even encountered this person before. The guy was attractive, sure, as were all actors in gay porn (except those fetish ones probably). But there was something wholesome and innocent about the way he winced and bit down on his lip as his "professor" slammed into him harder. Sidney supposed he ought not to be ashamed of how it was making his blood run hot and south. Wasn't that the end goal of watching porn?

"Justin's" expression eased considerably when they were finally done, dimples coming out again. He swept his sweat-soaked bangs out of his forehead as if on instinct and breathlessly thanked his "professor" for the "lesson". Something about that whole scene felt like something out of Sidney's own life.

Caught off-guard by the dizzying effect of déjà-vu (and how it seemed to be making him feel increasingly bothered), he quickly shook his head, snapped back into captain mode and leaned in closer to the screen to better examine the young man on the screen.

Hey, wait a minute...

Didn't he look a bit like... actually a lot like...

"Conor Sheary?!" Sidney exploded.

 

Sidney threw all three of those special interest DVDs into the bottom drawer of his TV stand (but into a plastic bag first, lest they contaminate anything else inside). That wasn't Conor, it was just an adult film star that looked (and come to think of it, sounded) like him. Just a coincidence. His name hadn't even shown up in any of the credits.

But Sidney would be lying if seeing Conor walk into the locker room the next day didn't make him blush just a little.

Despite his insistence that the porno he'd watched the day before definitely did not feature Conor Sheary he couldn't help but observe him throughout practice. He had to admit, the facial features bore a striking resemblance, as did the tone of voice.

He stood a few feet away from Conor against the boards, teammates collectively panting hard after completing a particularly intense drill.

"Thanks," Conor gasped, smiling as Olli handed him a bottle of water. He then took his helmet off briefly to push his hair off his forehead.

Sidney's stomach dropped.

Okay so apparently Sidney knew someone who did porn. It was weird. Maybe it had just been a onetime thing. Or maybe Conor had starred in many other films. Sidney would've never guessed just by looking at him. He seemed so green and pure and unaccustomed to getting fucked by big (in many ways) guys while someone recorded it.

Sidney had to rewatch the porno again to get the billed name for Conor in order to try to do a Google search (and the lack of a skip scene function on the DVD was the only reason why he'd rewatched the DVD in its entirety again... well, at least he thought there was no skip scene function... he hadn't actually checked). When the credits rolled on screen again he had been listed as "Matt Winchester".

Conor mentioned before that he'd been born in Winchester, Massachusetts.

With fumbling hands, Sidney entered that name into the Google search bar on his phone (phones didn't get viruses, right? Wait, what if they did and someone got a hold of the embarrassing conversation he had with Taylor about his recent UTI... oh crap too late).

The most prominent Matt Winchester came up as a wrestler. There was one musician and no prolific porn stars (thank God).

He supposed that this wasn't any of his business. He was pretty sure there was nothing in the CBA that specifically forbade hockey players from moonlighting as adult film actors. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Conor went undrafted and, according to the copyright date from the DVD, had filmed this while in his first or second year of university. He hadn't entered the Penguins organization until after he'd graduated. It was out of Sidney's jurisdiction to question Conor about this, right? You know, as a captain merely looking out for the best interests of said organization.

Still though, people didn't go into porn casually and Sidney was curious. Was it a career that Conor had been considering? If that was the case then Sidney was sure glad that Conor's hockey career was working out (with all due respect to actors in the porn industry). He wasn't sure how to approach the subject without embarrassing Conor or incriminating himself. If Sidney had only stumbled on this revelation accidentally then surely Conor had meant to keep it a secret.

(Also did it mean that he was gay? Because it would've been great to have another gay player on the team, even if he had, perhaps, a disreputable past.)

He hummed and hawed over it for the next few days. There was really nothing in Conor's behaviour that indicated any willingness to perform in a pornographic film. Why had he done it then? Was he forced into it?

The notion horrified Sidney. Did Conor need saving from some sort of unrepayable debt? Was his happy facade just a cover for the depraved world he was trying to claw away from?

Sidney couldn't take it anymore. He had to know if Conor needed help.

He asked Conor for a moment after practice the next day. Conor was still flushed from exertion and dripping with sweat but seemed so jovial with the dimples he flashed so freely.

"Um, so," Sidney twisted the bottle of water in his hands. "I'm not sure how to talk to you about this. But, uh, I heard from someone that you were in an adult film before?"

Conor's smile vanished, replaced with lips pressed thin. "Who did you hear this from?"

"That's not important. I just wanted to know if it's true?"

Conor's jaw was set and Sidney could see his lips start to form a no. Then, unexpectedly "It was just something stupid I did in college! Oh my God," Conor buried his face in his hands. "Please don't tell anyone. Especially my parents. They'd totally freak out. I'm so sorry Sidney!"

"Oh, uh," Sid expected Conor to react many ways but he still felt flustered nonetheless. "Y-you don't need to apologize to me. I just wanted to make sure that... it wasn't affecting your play."

"It doesn't, I swear. It was a long time ago." Conor's hands were still shielding his face.

"Hey, hey," Sidney cooed softly. "It's okay. You know? We all have our stuff."

"Not you," Conor whimpered. "You're, like, perfect. You never had to do porn to make money for school."

Now they were getting somewhere. "Is that why you did it?"

Conor whimpered, shaking his head vigorously.

Sidney reached out slowly, carefully, and wrapped his fingers around Conor's wrist to pull his hands away from his face. He heard a sharp breath before Conor finally let his arms drop. Sidney maintained contact. "You can tell me, okay? I'm not gonna tell anyone. I just wanna help out any way I can."

Conor's eyes were red and rimmed with tears. With a slow, deep breath, he began. He explained (quite articulately despite frequent choked sobs) that when he'd begun school at UMass he didn't think he could make it as a pro hockey player after going undrafted. His parents hadn't had enough money to cover his tuition so he'd had to take out student loans. In his second semester he'd been approached on campus about a money-making opportunity. He'd jumped at the idea and unwittingly allowed himself to be recruited for a pornographic film. After initially refusing they agreed to change his name in the credits, plus the amount of money they were offering for a day's work was honestly too good to pass up in his financial situation. So he'd sucked it up and done it.

"And I regret it, everyday," he concluded as he pressed his thumbs against his tear ducts.

"You don't need to feel bad about it," Sidney insisted, beginning to feel the conviction of his words.

"I'm so ashamed," said Conor, softly.

"Don't be. So what if you did... what you had to do to make ends meet? There's nothing wrong with that. It's not like you did anything illegal. And you were young and impressionable back then. We all did things we regret during that time in our lives."

"Not you," Conor sniffled. "You never did anything even close to that."

Jerking off to the thought of Mario fucking him against the boards was something he felt equally ashamed of now. "Everyone's done things that they're not proud of. And we learn from those things. It makes us better people. If everyone did things the right way the first time then life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it?"

"I guess," Conor said quietly. "Just... please don't tell anyone. And please tell whoever told you about this to not tell anyone."

"I won't," Sidney promised. He hadn't meant to draw out all that anguish from Conor and while he hadn't regretted asking about Conor's past he certainly felt guilty about it. One confession, he decided, deserved another. "As long as you don't tell anyone about me being gay."

"You're gay?" Conor gasped, his face uncrumpling into astonishment.

Sidney nodded. He hadn't told many people but he figured that Conor had earned it.

"Me too," Conor whispered, giggling. 

Sidney felt his heart lift at the cheerful expression on Conor's face and reciprocated the laughter.

 

That should've been it. Conor wasn't in trouble, and he wasn't some sort of unstable nutcase set to tarnish the integrity of the Penguins organization either. Business as usual, right?

Except... it wouldn't leave him alone. There was Conor the hockey player, who raced around the rink against Kuni and shot pucks into Flower's glove hand during practice. The Conor who showed up to team dinners wearing thick-rimmed glasses and chunky wool cardigans. And then there was Conor the porn actor, who moaned eagerly when the blond beefcake yanked his trousers down and bent him over the desk. The Conor who allowed himself to be filmed while he had another man inside him. It was difficult to reconcile the two to be the same.

(And yes, Sidney did watch "Lessons in Lust" a few more times. Strictly for research purposes. He liked to better know his new teammates any way he could.)

Sidney could admit to himself that he considered Conor to be an attractive young man. And he could even admit to himself that Conor looked attractive in the film, if a little scrawny and awkward. But Sidney was his captain and real life didn't play out like pornos. Otherwise the two would've fucked immediately after finding out the other was gay. Maybe Conor would've gotten off on the student/mentor relationship thing.

Because, like, the thing about the porno was that it didn't look like the professor guy put much effort into filling Conor's needs. The guy didn't ask Conor what he wanted or cuddle afterwards. And what was presumably a first kiss between the two looked more like the blond was trying to eat Conor's face. Yes, Sidney knew that both participants were following a script and could anticipate what was coming but it still bothered him. Conor had appeared to enjoy everything but that was just part of the script as well. Sidney felt like Conor deserved better than a narcissistic asshole who probably spent most of his free time doing ab workouts while staring at himself in the mirror.

The majority of Sidney's past partners had been bigger guys. Those were the types that he was attracted to. And although he could identify with Conor in the film with his own past experiences he could also see the appeal of _having_ Conor as well. He was pretty small for NHL standards but his height contrast with the blond was downright seductive.

He said before that he hadn't regretted confronting Conor about his past and he still stood by that. But he'd be lying if their relationship now was the same as before, as would have been expected if one were to divulge to another about his secret past in pornography. It made sense for Conor to blush and duck his head every time their eyes met.

It was really cute. Sidney liked it. And, dare he say it, he wanted to see more.

But that wasn't going to happen because he wasn't living in the God damned porno. In real life a captain's role most certainly did not involve fucking a rookie under any circumstances. That was just an abuse of power. He could think a guy was attractive without trying to get into his pants. He'd done it all his life. So what if most of the other guys were straight and hadn't starred in any gay pornos? Gay pornos that were apparently so accessible that a straight man could readily obtain them?

And he didn't like the perpetual awkwardness between the two of them. He wanted Conor to feel comfortable with him just like with everyone else. He wanted Conor to understand that Sidney really meant it when he said that filming a porno wasn't something to be all that ashamed of (as was watching said porno at least a dozen times, but Conor wasn't asking so Sidney wasn't telling). He wasn't going to let his personal feelings get in the way of his duties as captain.

Sidney caught Conor alone as the latter broke away from the group to use the airport washroom before they went to board.

"Look, uh," Wow, Conor was definitely blushing when Sidney'd cornered him. "You don't need to be scared of me, you know? You're probably still embarrassed about me finding about... the thing you did in college, but seriously, I don't even care. So you don't need to get all nervous and try to avoid me whenever you see me, okay? I'm not judging you or thinking less of you because of that."

Somehow Conor seemed to get even redder. "T-that's not why-" He bit his lip, eyes darting every which way except Sidney's. "I mean, um, okay... thanks Sidney."

With that, Conor flew into the men's room.

Huh. That was weird.

 

Sidney was doing a pretty good job with the whole not judging Conor and the whole not trying to get into Conor's pants thing. It was particularly easy because Conor hadn't taken Sidney's advice to chill the fuck out. In fact he seemed to backpedal even more. It was frustrating and downright insulting. If Conor couldn't trust his own captain then how the hell were they going to function as teammates?

He vented one evening to Tanger (with one key piece of information omitted, naturally) while they were out to dinner together.

"I think he just really looks up to you," he said with a shrug. "Most of the rookies are like that at first when they play for us. Eventually he'll get used to it and realize that you're not as cool as he thought you were."

Sidney rolled his eyes. The audacity of the guy to say something like that while primly cutting his steak. "I think he's acting weird because I found out something about him that he doesn't want other people to know."

Tanger raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"That he's gay." (Hey, Conor hadn't asked Sidney to keep _that_ a secret.)

"Him too?" Tanger paused in contemplation, both knife and fork pointing up. Then, "Okay, then yeah, he definitely has a crush on you."

Sidney almost choked on his water while Tanger resumed work on his steak. "W... what makes you think that?"

"Yeah, now that I think about it it's so obvious. Dude has major heart eyes. He's always watching you and talking about how great you are."

"...He does?"

"It makes sense. If he still hasn't gotten over the hero worship phase like all the other rookies then it's gotta be a crush. That's nice, right? To have two of you guys on the same team? He's not bad-looking Sid. You could do worse."

And Tanger had no idea how good Conor could even look.

Sidney shook his head quickly. "No way. I... I'm his captain. It's a conflict of interest."

"You're not paying his salary and you can't make any coaching or management decisions," Tanger pointed out. "Come to think of it, you really have no power."

"Thanks," Sidney rolled his eyes again.

"Do you like him?"

He wasn't sure how to answer that, to Tanger and in his own heart. But the excited squirming he felt when Tanger set forth the theory could not be denied.

"If you two end up getting together then I'll have your backs, no question. It'd be a nice story, you know? To have two gay players end up on the same team and find each other. How often does that happen? Never. Sounds like the plot of a movie." Tanger grinned as he chewed on a floret of broccoli. 

Sidney pushed some food in his mouth and chewed mechanically as he didn't have much of an appetite anymore.

It would be a good story, he supposed. A much better story than "Lessons in Lust", which he was beginning to resent more and more. In fact, he hated that film. For the guy to fuck Conor's character where anyone could have walked in and saw them was so inconsiderate. It made him angry and he wasn't even sure why.

He hummed and hawed over it for the next few days. According to Tanger there were many indications based on Conor's behaviour that suggested an attraction. Was Tanger just inferring more than was actually there? Or did Conor's blushes mean something more than Sidney had initially thought?

He had to know. Oh lord did Sidney need to know.

Asking Conor for a moment after practice was more difficult than the last. Conor did not seem to come willingly and the smile that had appeared before was nowhere to be seen.

"So, uh," Sidney was twisting the coat in his hands, probably wrinkling it. "He's probably wrong. But I heard from someone that... you have a crush on me?"

Conor looked like a deer in headlights. "Who told you that?"

"Tanger." He was a pretty perceptive guy with a good track record but he wasn't immune to error.

"Damn it," Conor buried his face in his hands and Sidney really wished he would stop doing that because his expressions were too cute to conceal.

At any rate, Sidney had his answer.

"God, I'm so embarrassed," Conor whimpered.

Hey... what was so embarrassing about liking him? Was it Shit on Sid Week or something? "What's embarrassing about it?" he asked, trying not to sound slighted.

"That I could ever hope someone like you might even look at someone like me. I'm lucky you even talk to me, and the only reason you do that is because I somehow managed to play on the same team as you. Shit, please don't hate me Sidney. I'm so sorry. I'm just a stupid kid."

That was a lot for Sidney to take in at once but the realization that Tanger was right was accompanied by the same excited squirming. "Conor, you're not stupid, c'mon. Look at me."

Conor shook his head vigorously. "I don't deserve your kindness."

"Conor, please," Sidney reached up again to pull Conor's hands away from his face but this time Conor brought them down on his own accord. With newly summoned courage Sidney placed his hands on top of Conor's.

"You made it really easy for me," said Conor, his self-effacing chuckle showing off those gorgeous dimples. "Being crazy hot and crazy nice and crazy good at hockey and then gay too? I didn't stand a chance."

"I have a confession to make," Sidney said, continuing with that surge of courage. "Uh, nobody told me about you being in a porno. I, uh, happened to watch it myself and saw you in it."

Conor finally looked at Sidney dead on, mouth hanging open. "You did?" He squeaked.

Sidney nodded. "And I didn't just watch it once."

"Really?" Conor whispered, his face breaking into another handsome smile.

Sidney grinned. "And I gotta say, boy you ain't got nothing to be ashamed of."

Conor started giggling, and it quickly grew infectious. Before long they were laughing uncontrollably, grasping at one another to keep steady.

When their laughter eased off Sidney looked down at Conor, his expression so happy and lively and beautiful, and cupped Conor's cheek in his palm. Conor's eyelids fluttered closed as he pressed his face into the touch.

He didn't ask if it was okay to lean in and kiss Conor but Conor didn't seem to mind. He felt Conor sigh softly against his lips before eagerly kissing back. Conor's mouth was soft and sweet and Sidney couldn't blame the blond guy for trying to eat Conor whole.

When they parted Conor buried his face into Sidney's neck and breathlessly murmured "Thank you, thank you".

Sidney couldn't help marvelling at the warmth of his chest where Conor was pressed snugly and silently echoed Conor's words.

 

Sidney didn't live in the world of porno movies and he was glad of it. He didn't want to fuck Conor right on the benches where they changed into their gear for games. Conor deserved better than that and Sidney was definitely going to deliver. He picked Conor up at his apartment. He bought him dinner. He got to know him better. He brought him home and got him into bed.

"Fuck me, Sid," Conor pleaded when they'd gotten to the heavier petting. Seeing that body at work on his TV was one thing. Getting to experience it, to feel Conor's rapidly growing arousal as he moved underneath Sidney was quite another.

Sidney was panting and his mouth was watering for what was to come because Conor was making those desperate noises just like in the video. "I thought... maybe I could blow you first? Make you feel good?"

Conor moaned and Sidney was about ready to drop to his knees before Conor shook his head. "Next time. Right now I need you to fuck me, _please_."

If that was what he wanted then Sidney was going to give it to him. He offered all his strength and Conor took it with the grasp of his hands on Sidney's shoulders. Sidney in return took the gasping of his name inside shallow breaths and the soft blue eyes turned astonished as they passed through the threshold together.

As Sidney held Conor tight afterwards, hands gently sweeping Conor's hair away from his forehead, he realized that watching the porno (many times) did at least serve one purpose: it had given him a much better appreciation of the man in his arms. And when Conor looked up and smiled shyly, Sidney knew it to be absolute.

 

Conor came to visit Cole Harbour over the off-season and Sidney took the opportunity to introduce him to Nate.

"Oh, awesome," Nate was grinning. "How did you two start dating?"

With perfect deadpan, Sidney replied "You introduced us," to Conor's snickers of laughter and Nate's utter confusion.


End file.
